Let’s start at the beginning …
Jaco van Schalkwyk was born the eldest of three brothers in 1973. He graduated high school in, Klerksdorp, South Africa in 1991. He fondly remembers all the mischief he and his brothers got into and jokes that his parents had it quite tough raising three boys. In 1993 his parents sent him to Namibia to start his apprenticeship at Telecom in Namibia. His father, Nic, was a born Namibian, but moved to South Africa when he fell in love with the beautiful mom Antoinette. The family had decided to move back to Namibia as soon as Nic gets a successful employment offer. Unfortunately, he passed away from malaria very suddenly only 9 months after Jaco’s move. Antoinette decided to remain in South Africa with her 2 younger boys. For the next 19 years Jaco focused on his work and building a life in Windhoek, Namibia. He is still working for Telecom to this day. Jaco’s middle brother is married with 2 lovely children and lives in Johannesburg, SA. Sadly, his mom and youngest brother has passed away 15 and 13 years ago. Jaco treasures family and has always dreamt of having his own to care for and love.

March 1980 I, Suretha Roux, was born as the youngest child and only daughter of Roux & Riana. I have 2 older brothers who are both very happily married with 2 beautiful children each. I have always tried to maintain a relationship with my nieces and nephews and love them to the end of the earth. For as long as I can remember I have had a special love for animals, especially horses and always dreamt of having a big enough space with loads of dogs and a horse for each person in my family. I graduated high school in 1998. 8 Weeks after graduation I left for USA as an Au Pair. I was placed with the loveliest family in Rhode Island and still hold our 3 children so close to my heart. They gave me the first opportunity to experience what it would be like to be a mom and I couldn’t wait. My hostmom, Teresa, is still one of my dearest friends and if it wasn’t for Covid, she would have come to visit us in June 2020. I studied Equine Breeding Management in Pretoria, SA before working in the UK for 2 years. Only at 29 did I finally decide to start my studies to obtain a Bachelors Degree in the Science of Accounting. I qualified and completed my articles to become a qualified Professional Accountant in 2012 at the age of 32. December 2013 I was offered a position as a senior accountant at a prestigious audit firm in Windhoek, Namibia. I packed up my life in Johannesburg, RSA, to leave for Windhoek 6 weeks later. I was excited for this new chapter awaiting me in Namibia, I was a determined career woman. I just knew God was sending me there. Since we didn’t know where I would be staying in Windhoek, we decided it best to leave my dogs with my parents, just temporarily, until I had settled in Windhoek. I set out on the road all by myself, in my dad’s pick-up with a few of my most important possessions. Mid-March I took my dad’s pickup back to South-Africa and flew back with my little Jack Russel, Jenna. Mid-April my folks met me for a long weekend in Botswana so that I could get my Rottweiler/Doberman cross called Caleb. Finally, my doggy children were with me again.

Unfortunately, things did not work out at this firm as I had thought they would and on 23 May 2014 I received a letter from immigration telling me that my work permit had been rejected and I had 7 days to get out of the country. I was devastated and didn’t understand what was happening as I still believed that God had sent me to Namibia. I went home and unpacked my last box, crying and praying as I was unpacking in faith, as I do not believe that was from God. I refused to accept it and I declared that I knew He had a plan. It was so difficult! I knew nobody and even the few friends I had started to make at work were told they were not allowed to have any contact with me. I felt so alone. Through a miracle I was afforded an interview with the deputy minister of immigration exactly on the date and time that I had to leave Windhoek to be out of the country safely on the 7th day. The gentlemen listened to my story and told me that he liked me and wanted people like me in his country. So, he took my passport and asked me how long holiday permit I wanted. Without thinking I asked for 2 months. This was 31 May 2014.

On 4 June 2014 Jaco and I met. As soon as he saw me, he told me that he was going to marry me. I just laughed as no man has had the nerve to put up with this redhead’s personality for very long. I had given up on love. We spent the next 4 hours just talking and laughing, just enjoying each other’s company. While making the umptieth cup of coffee Jaco tapped me on my shoulder and asked if he could give me a hug …. I fit perfectly! He still didn’t know about my immigration issues, but it was not yet his problem. I couldn’t believe the feeling of safety and acceptance I felt in his arms at that moment. I phoned my oldest brother asking for advise of how I was going to tell my parents about this man I just met. It was crazy!! I wrote them an email and my mom’s reply was: My prayers have been answered! A week later Jaco phoned my dad and asked if he may officially date me, a week after that we skyped with my folks, and he asked permission to get engaged and on 30 July 2014 we were married with our families as witnesses in South Africa.

Jaco was already 42 and I was 34, so in December 2014 we decided to start a family. Thinking that’s how it works …. You just decided and VOILA you get pregnant …. 18 months later we realised it wasn’t quite that easy. Every second month we would think I’m pregnant, only to be told it was a cyst. We had been seeing a GP and he kept telling us to just be patient. Windhoek doesn’t have very many Gynae doctors/OBGYN’s and it was quite difficult to get an appointment with the one that was said to be the best. Her reception asked if I was pregnant, to which I replied that we were struggling to get pregnant, and I was told to call back when we are pregnant. So about 3 months later we finally got hold of the doctor personally and she agreed to see us. We started with all the tests, vials and vials of blood were taken to give the good news that everything was good to go. She put us on medications to help me ovulation for a few months, while we bought boxes and boxes of ovulation tests. We should be pregnant any day now. But that good news just didn’t come for us. The next option was Intrauterine Insemination, still no success. Each month we would hold our breaths and then hold each other crying when we realise, we are not yet pregnant. I was so grateful for Jaco and the way he just loved me through everything. I struggled to accept that we couldn’t get pregnant and just wanted something small to need me and whom I could love, so I tricked Jaco into allowing me to get a basset puppy. Toby joined our family and was our fifth dog. To this day he thinks he is my little lap dog. January 2017 my blood tests indicated that my AMH had suddenly declined, which meant that I was running very low on my egg reserves. We met with a fertility specialist from Cape Town who told us we had to do IVF immediately otherwise it will be too late for us. IVF is extremely expensive, and Namibia had only just opened a fertility clinic who rejected us as patients as they were only taking couples who had a very high success rate for their first round. We had to apply for a bank loan as there was no time to try to save up. Most woman would form +- 15 – 18 follicles, I had only 3 despite being on the highest dosage to stimulate follicle formation. We drove 15 hours to get to Cape Town and the whole time I was saying I’m not worried that I didn’t have as many follicles as my IVF friends, it only takes one egg to make a baby. We had to go to the clinic every day for scans and on 8 March 2017 after the aspiration procedure I woke up and found a little piece of paper next to my pillow which read: “One – Abnormal”. I instantly knew it was a failure! I was broken as I knew our IVF, our one chance was a failure!!! All my hopes and dreams to be a mom, to share all this love in our hearts were shattered in that one split second. When they took me back to Jaco I was crying so much I couldn’t speak and only held out the piece of paper to him. The doctor came in and told us that the one egg was black and totally deformed. It was clearly “the bottom of the barrel” and donor eggs were our only option. He told us to speak to the nurse next door and left. I was at a loss of words and just literally felt like I was trying to hold the pieces of my heart together. My world had crumbled to dust!! The donor egg route was very difficult for me to accept at that stage as I knew the child would not share my DNA. I felt that when someone says: “Oh you have Mommy’s beautiful eyes”, my heart would break as I would know that it is not my eyes but a strangers’. To say I was broken is the understatement of the century. ALL I wanted was to be a mom and knew how much Jaco wanted to be a dad and here I couldn’t give it to him. The most basic thing a woman must do is to have children and I couldn’t even do that! What kind of a woman am I?!! A FAILURE!!! I was cross with God. What did I do to cause this punishment? For a year I battled with Him. I packed away all the things we had bought for our baby, everything I had made already, I wanted nothing to remind me of the dream and hope I once had. Throughout this time Jaco just re-affirmed his love for me and reminded me that he would much rather have me in his life than anyone else and that he didn’t marry me just to have children, he married me because he wanted to share his life with me. I didn’t always believe him and even told him at one stage that he must divorce me and go marry someone that could give him a child and not a broken woman like me. He just laughed, held me tighter and told me there is nothing that could make him want another woman more than me. That “perfect fit” when he hugs me from the day we met, became so important during these times.
Almost exactly a year after our failed IVF, I came across a Facebook group called “Trying to Conceive through Faith”, hosted by Lillian Day. For 91 days we met almost every single night and discussed a part of the book she had written about her 7-year journey with God waiting for her son to be born. This helped me to heal and to restore my relationship with God, realising how much He loves me and that being a mom is not the most important thing in life, but being a good and faithful child of His is. I was set free from the feelings that I was a “broken” woman, a useless part of society. I know now without a doubt that we cannot explain all the bad in this world or why some people are allowed to have children who can’t or don’t want to care for them while we want nothing more, but I know that I know that God is just good that He loves us the same as He loves every person on this earth. I don’t know why we were dealt this hand, but I know that just as it has brought Jaco and me closer to each other, it has strengthened our faith as well.
In December 2019 Jaco finally agreed that we could register as adoptive parents. Sadly, there had not yet been a match for us.
The next few years we kept hoping that a miracle would happen, and we would suddenly be pregnant. Afterall, the blood tests only indicated diminished reserves, not depleted …. BIIIIG difference 😀
October 2021 I had a dream in which God told me that my son’s name will be Ruhan, meaning spiritual. I had renewed hope!! This year on my 42nd birthday a dear friend told me about a new doctor that has had great success in helping couples who battle to get pregnant and kept insisting I that I make an appointment. I didn’t have much hope as we had been to every doctor who had been recommended and all of them ended by asking us if we had considered adoption. But she kept insisting I make an appointment.

Just as all the others before her, the doctor did all the normal blood tests. 2 weeks later she phoned me to tell me that the tests indicates that my reserves have now been depleted. Her words were: “Im so sorry, but your time has passed.” I couldn’t believe the words I was told; God gave me my son’s name … what was going on?! I felt totally …. Broken, I think is the closest word I can think to describe how I felt. I phoned my mom, and she just encouraged me and prayed with me. I drove to a close friend as I desperately needed a hug and mom lives 15 hours’ drive away. My friend let me cry for a good while then asked what our options are. We discussed everything … and finally I told her that we had been told that IVF with a donor egg was our only hope. The problem was that it is so expensive, and we are only now finished paying the previous loan and we had promised each other that we will not go into debt again. My friend told me that we must find out the best clinic for donor IVF, best doctor, best donor agency and if I will be able to carry a healthy pregnancy, basically get all the costs together, THEN we can plan to raise the funds. I had hope again! WAIT WHAT …. There’s a chance we can be parents?! WOW!!!! After 5 years of thinking about donor egg route and now know that my biological chances are finished, I was so so grateful for the option. I could maybe possibly still be a mom!!! I could have my own baby!!! Suddenly the DNA thing didn’t seem so important anymore. I enquired on IVF groups regarding recommendations for clinics in South Africa, contacted all of them as well as the donor agencies. It was amazing how many agencies there are! I never knew that there were so many people with the same problems as we do. I received an email response from a clinic in Cape Town that was filled with compassion and love, and I immediately knew that I wanted to work with these people. We won’t be just another number to them. I arranged for a consultation with the head of the agency, a week later she sent us 45 donor profiles to choose from. The next day I had a Zoom consult with the doctor, and he made me feel so comfortable and not abnormal for having to go this route. Unfortunately, due to work obligations Jaco was not able to attend this consult, but I recorded it for him. The doctor was so kind, and I just knew we would be in good hands. The tricky part was getting a good doctor in Windhoek that would be willing to work with the doctor in Cape Town before and after the IVF. The highest recommended doctor agreed to take me on as a patient only because of his history with my doctor in Cape Town. My doctor from Cape Town sent a whole list of tests and sonars that had to be done. All of this has now been done and we were told me 2 weeks ago that he could not see a reason that I would not be able to have a normal and healthy pregnancy! WOW!!!!! What great news!! It felt like everything was just coming together and we might have a reason to decorate the nursery like I had been dreaming for years.
Unfortunately, IVF is a very expensive procedure and because of the required donor it is even more so. In the midst of Covid I opened up my own accounting firm and although we have grown a lot, we are not able to afford IVF by ourselves. We opened a separate bank account in the name of ‘Baby van Schalkwyk’ and I’ve been putting every little bit extra we have into that account, but it’s only been a slight drop in the bucket. Saving up for it will take years and years, which we don’t really have. We would appreciate it so much if you would be willing to help us in realising our dream to become a mom and a dad of our own little human. It would be the biggest blessing for us to be able to share this mountain of love that we hold in our hearts.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
Much love
Jaco and Suretha